My
favorite Dr. King speech is The Drum Major Instinct. Out of all his greatest speeches, this one jumps at me and speaks to me in such a powerful way. It aligns in accordance with my path as well as the characteristics I developed over the years to become the man I am today. This sermon being his last one before he got assassinated, he speaks like a man who’s actively dealt with his impending demise and understands the significance of living one’s life with a sense of purpose. The transcript reads like a eulogy fit for a man who gave his life serving people. When you hear the audio, you can’t help but be moved by the words. It’s a thoughtful reminder of being mindful of the impact we have on the lives around us and the objectives we prioritize in our individual lives.
“…And there is deep down within all of us an instinct. It's a kind of drum major instinct—a desire to be out front, a desire to lead the parade, a desire to be first. And it is something that runs the whole gamut of life. And so before we condemn them, let us see that we all have the drum major instinct. We all want to be important, to surpass others, to achieve distinction, to lead the parade.”
In my 30+ years on this planet, I’ve had a complex relationship with death and mortality. I remember as a kid, being scared to close my eyes at night because I was afraid of not waking up. Recollections of fearing being in dark spaces alone stayed with me until my pre-teen years. From an early age, I knew what death was and understood that it was a part of life. As I’ve matured, I realized that death isn’t a goodbye. It’s a transition to the next realm, where our souls leave the vessel that is our physical bodies. Energy can never be destroyed, so how can physical death be the end of LIFE? Yes, we are mortal beings, so we all will eventually meet that day. As cliché as it sounds, how you die isn’t what’s important. It’s how you lived. What do you want your legacy to be when your soul moves onto the next realm? What do you want it to mean to those you left behind? What did you do to make this world better than you found it? The life you live now may very well be shared with the generation that comes after you. What lessons do you hope they can learn from your legacy?
Selflessness: Being able to put aside self-interest for the success of the collective when necessary; Not allowing ego to get in the way of the bigger picture.
I learned many life lessons from the game of basketball. One of the biggest lessons I took away from the game was how my style of play represented what type of person I am. The more I explored the nuances of basketball, the more sense it made for me. When I started breaking down the attributes of all the people I played ball with over the years, I saw a distinct parallel between their style of play and their characteristics as humans. For example, players who tend to shoot too much and only pass the ball when there is no other option available are usually self-centered people who tend to have a me-first attitude. Same goes for individuals who complain about the touches they get and only concern themselves with how many points they scored. Players who tend to overdribble are usually attention seekers who look to put on a show at anyone’s expense, given the reception is positive towards them. Players who don’t take defense seriously usually lack the desire to sacrifice their energy for the advancement of those who are affected by their actions. As I analyzed my own game, I saw the similarities in my character off the court. I saw how my game took from many of my characteristics. The one that stood out the most was unselfishness.
Regardless of what team I play on, I always figure out how I can use my talent to help the team win. If that means sacrificing touches so I can focus on defense & rebounding, so be it. If it means I gotta make sure that everybody gets a chance to see the ball, then that’s what I’ll do. If they call on me to score, I’ll do my best to get those buckets. The point is, I am always ready to sacrifice individual accolades for the collective good. And I’m damm proud of it, because it takes a certain amount of character & integrity to play that role in a society where individuality is prioritized over working as a unit. It’s always been about community first; my personal goals have always involved a community of some sorts, whether it be my circle of close comrades, the Black community, or the community of humanity as a whole. For me to carry out any of the personal goals I set out to achieve, I feel that it will truly manifest itself within the larger societal framework. Translation: How can I be free if everybody else isn’t? Yeah, I’ll reach some of the milestones that I set for myself, but in the grand scheme of things, that won’t satisfy me if all people don’t have the same access & opportunity to reach their goals and better themselves.
Resilience: Being able to come back stronger after every setback.
Perseverance: Regardless of the obstacles, never losing faith in self or the mission at hand.
Speaking of character, I believe that adversity builds it. Not romanticizing struggle like most (if not all) inspirational speakers do, but life has proven the theory that pressure either busts pipes or makes diamonds. You can’t figure out what type of person you are until you've been through adversity, survived it, and look back to see how far you have come. Resilience is Dwyane Wade falling 7 times and getting up for the 8th. It’s digging in on the defensive end after getting crossed up, ran into a bruising screen & catching a blindside elbow to the temple. Perseverance is a teenage Allen Iverson believing that he’ll get himself and his family out of poverty when everybody counted him out after the bowling alley incident. It's his 2001 Sixers going into the Staples Center and shocking the world by defeating a juggernaut Lakers team in Game 1 of the Finals when everybody expected them to get swept. It’s being down 16-2 (and game is 21), never giving up or losing faith, and coming back to win the game in double sudden death overtime. When your back is against the wall, the world gets a chance to see what you're made of. Hard times reveal character just as much as the good times.
Most of our important growth happens during turbulent times. I know from experience, most of my progression happened when my life was in shambles and I was holding things together only by faith that it shall pass in time. Not saying people can’t grow during happy periods. I experience growth from that place as well. But here lies the question: Can you keep those positive vibes we like to harp so much about up when the day is darkest? If you can’t, THAT’S OK! We ain’t gotta be on all the time. Most people say they can. They believe it in theory, but in live action, it may very well be a different story. If you’re used to the chaos, you can adjust to anything. However, being too used to disorder without much relapse can create a level of cynicism that can obstruct how we analyze our lives. Sufficient work and effort are required to keep an honest outlook while hoping for better tomorrows. And no, we are not romanticizing struggle! Though we are what we went through, there comes a time when we must release those things that don’t serve us to become who we are. No need to rehash trauma that we worked past. Yeah, we can recollect on those battles from time to time, but we must be careful to not keep that baggage around as souvenirs. Your memories are good enough, and they don’t take up as much space. We’re also not co-signing bootstrap rhetoric, since it’s usually used to gaslight those who may lack the means or knowledge to better their situation. Also take in consideration that the society we live in has done a psychological number on many of us. It seems like as we get older, our dreams get metaphorically beat out of us, and we lose sight of who we are and what we want our purpose to be. Some of us ain’t even get that far to even get the chance to have the space of infinite possibilities. That’s how we end up “playing it safe”, choosing security over pushing into the unknown confident with our vision of new & better leading us. That’s exactly what the ruling class wants and how the reality of being marginalized in a capitalist system has us thinking survival instead of revival. The people who are fighting to hold on to what they got left after this capitalist society high on rugged individualism done whooped all the will & fight out of them need to be met with support & grace from us. We never know what somebody dealt with to still be here. In one way or another, we all have had this fight. It looks different for each of us, but it’s a fight, nonetheless.
Compassion: Being able to put yourself in other people's shoes and have empathy for their experiences. Being human is hard. If we are not tender with ourselves as well as others, apathy permeates and dilutes the makeup which brings us together.
Not everybody is built the same. Our thresholds are completely different depending on our individual makeup and unique circumstances. Some people don't have the mental toughness to push through the obstacles life puts in front of us. This shouldn't be looked at with disdain. What's more important is that we are empathetic towards those whose shortcomings are our strongest assets. We should have compassion for people who can't get up and take on the world like we ideally want them to. Dick Gregory taught me the 3 most important rules of living with the eyeglasses of awareness:
1. Once you have them on, you can't take them off.
2. You can't force anyone else to wear them.
3. You must have patience and compassion for those who have never put on the glasses, or even heard that such a pair of glasses exist.
The third rule plays into my empathy: I'm an empath, so it's 2nd nature for me to feel for people who are dealing with certain situations. Life comes at us in unusual ways and at unexpected times, so we can do our best to be ready, that's about it. Even if we been through common situations, who are we to say how one should handle it? Everybody's not the same, and that's ok. It's what makes us unique. Be the best YOU possible. Nothing is wrong with being who you are, as long as you're not harming yourself and others. While doing that, step to people with a humane level of understanding and empathy. We all are sharing in this experiment called life. We pass some tests & flunk others. Nobody is above the hard knocks and we shouldn’t act like we are. The sooner we come to that understanding, the easier it’ll be to see ourselves in the wider collective and move towards mutual respect for our fellow beings. We shouldn’t wait for someone to be down on their luck to have compassion for them. Empathy can also exist in wanting to see people succeed and identifying with the feeling of achievement. I like seeing hard work pay off! It’s not a problem for me to cheer on progression. We all can go, so why should I hate on the next individual because it’s not me? The main idea is this: I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror at the end of the day. I’ll only be able to do that if I treat people with the respect they deserve as human beings and do my best to be the best Kay Jay I can possibly be, day in & day out. Even if the behavior isn’t reciprocated, I'm not sweatin’ it. I’m only concerned with what I can control. Besides, how they treat me reflects them, not me. I show people how to treat me, and if they don’t pay attention, I’m not taking responsibility for their actions afterwards. I’m just gonna keep it moving, knowing that I put my best foot forward and made an honest effort.
Honor: My word is bond, and the work I put in to keep it says a lot about who I am & what I stand for.
Striving for principle, to be principled.
My code is my code, and it only becomes etched in stone if it doesn’t harm myself or anyone else. It’s how I treat everyone from my homies in my inner circle to strangers in the street. It’s how I move through the world.
I got several more that I won’t get into here, but these are the ones I keep at the forefront. My foundation, you can say. As life progresses, I add some, and I drop the others that no longer serve me or come in conflict with my core beliefs. This is a continuing process, as we will never reach a point where we don’t need to do any more work on ourselves. Until we die, every day is a chance to do and be better. The older we get, the more set in our ways we tend to be. If we’re not careful, this can harm us in ways we might not realize. We must challenge ourselves to be flexible & reassess our values periodically to ensure we are not getting in our own way. If I wasn’t consistent with re-evaluating my principles, I’m certain I wouldn’t be the man I am today. I wouldn’t understand who I was, who I am & who I want to be. There’s no way my word would be my most valuable asset. I had my word before anything else. I give my word to someone or something, I gotta make sure I follow through. What kind of man would I be if I didn't? I’d be no different than a lot of people walking around today; all talk and no action. Even if I fall short of living up to my word, the effort will always be there. I’ll never knock myself for trying. The standards I hold myself to are higher than anyone’s expectations of me. And I’ve been working on being more kind to myself when I don’t meet my own standards.
· Enforce your boundaries & respect the boundaries of others.
· Always do your best to keep your word and walk your talk.
· Protect your integrity at all costs.
· Be a willing learner.
· Be empathetic to others.
· Practice sincere kindness, never performative.
· Hold yourself accountable before pointing the finger at someone else.
· Be present & reciprocal for your homies/close friends/family
· Pay it forward when the opportunity shows itself.
· Helping others is important. Do it often.
Work Ethic: Arduous work doesn’t intimidate me. The quality and effort I put into something reflects who I am as a person, not what other individuals or institutions want me to be.
Who got time to be intimidated by challenging work? I can’t ever remember a time in my life when arduous work intimidated me. I learned at an early age that it’s easier to just kill the noise and focus on the task at hand. It’ll be done before you know it. No matter what the task may be, if I got the energy to get it done and I committed to the task, it’s gonna get done one way or the other. No shortcuts, either! Follow all the way through with the best of my ability! Cutting corners may seem harmless in the present sense, but it reverberates down the line, where we as humans can get into the habit of looking for angles & shortcuts in everything we do. There will be times when there is a smarter solution or method towards a task. But on those days where that isn’t available, we’ll just have to work each step as it’s presented to us and trust the process as we complete the objective. What we put into work (not a job necessarily, but a task) is a reflection of who we are and what we strive to be defined as. I make mistakes and may overlook some things. However, my effort & sincerity will be there, as with whatever I do, I strive to put my best foot forward each time I’m called to service.
Loyalty & Reciprocity: I ride for those who show love to me & invest into me becoming the best person I can be in this lifetime. I reciprocate the love language of those who make the decision to be in community to me.
My inner circle holds me down mentally, psychologically, and emotionally. I would not be here if they weren't here supplying a shoulder for me to lean on when things got rough and hold me accountable when I'm slippin’ & trippin’. I do my absolute best to pay it forward with all the means at my disposal, cause that's what you do for the people who show up for you consistently. Only thing they ask of you is to reciprocate the effort. Is that too much to ask? Is it too hard? No and yes. Love is work as well as a verb. You must put love in action for it to be fully manifested. No half-steppin’, no shortcuts. I do my best to support the people I love and build genuine community with them. I want to be able to look that person in the eyes and be confident that I gave it everything I had; my best foot was put forward. 50/50 love should never be artificial when it comes to ya peoples. You can fake that shit but for so long, but why would you want to? Why front for the people you claimin’ are your homies? If you gotta do that, you may want to re-evaluate who you in community with.
What you do to better yourself as a human being is your legacy. At the end of my life, I want to know that I did everything possible mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally to be the best person I could possibly be. An individual who lived his life unapologetically, taking pride in being completely human, with all the flaws & fuckups included. Please look at my shortcomings without bias. Speak on how I owed up to them and held myself accountable to be the best person possible. Those are potential lessons for future generations! You disrespect my legacy & their potential when you gloss over or mask up my mistakes. I am and was human. Never was I perfect or claimed to be. I only tried to be the best Kay Jay. What helped me tremendously was exercising patience, compassion and a basic tenant of respect that every human being deserves, no matter their lot in life. All I ever wanted to be is a good person that my Mom, grandmother, aunts & all my ancestors would be proud of. I wanted to be someone who brought good energy to a cipher. Someone who didn't need their opinions validated, only wanted to see justice and equity for all without exploitative preconditions. Wanted to see everybody eat and not suffer. Cared about the world and making it a better place. A loyal companion, lover, brother, friend & partner. It will never be about awards, branding, status or clout. My legacy will be more about the type of person I was to the people I loved. How did I treat the people who loved me? How did I put myself at the service of my family, community, and culture? What did my existence represent to future generations? Did I help move the chains for them? Was I on the right side of history? Those are the things I want my legacy to be judged by. I don't want to be judged based on how many things I got right for the sake of ego & pride. That doesn't mean shit to me. At the end of our journey, we shouldn’t be remembered for how it ended, we should be remembered for the process we took to get there. Appreciate the trip.
“….The thing that I like about it: by giving that definition of greatness, it means that everybody can be great, because everybody can serve. You don't have to have a college degree to serve. You don't have to make your subject and your verb agree to serve. You don't have to know about Plato and Aristotle to serve. You don't have to know Einstein's theory of relativity to serve. You don't have to know the second theory of thermodynamics in physics to serve. You only need a heart full of grace, a soul generated by love. And you can be that servant.”
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